Roxanne’s cry for attention.
She’s done it again. Entered the engine room this morning with a faint whiff of fuel oil in the air. Something told me it was Roxanne. I hadn’t been giving her a lot of attention partly because my reliever is already onboard and he now takes care of her and secondly we have been hitting ports in Nigeria so I’ve been busy elsewhere. With 4 weeks to go I hoped Roxanne would give me a good send off because of all the hard work I’ve done but no. She remains the cruel cold hearted attention seeking bitch that she is.
I saw her this morning and she had sliced open her veins and fuel poured all over her face. She lay there covered in her own blood, barely alive and refused to look at me when I asked her what had happened and why after all this time she continued to have suicidal tendencies. She didn’t answer. Probably because she was embarrassed about what she had done but I could tell she was happy that she got my attention finally after all these weeks.
However I am not happy this time. I’m disappointed. I’m beginning to believe that love is never enough. Even if you put your life on hold for someone and do everything you can for them, it’s still not enough for them. It never is. And after resuscitating Roxanne repeatedly over the past few months she again refuses to be mine and walk peacefully with me. She runs away, does what she wants and gets hurt in the process and comes back to me. But I’m tired now. Loving her now feels like a job. I won’t be speaking to her again after this is over. She can do whatever she wants. I’ll let my reliever take over and deal with her insanity. Because I am done being hurt over and over. I’m done putting the needs of others before mine. And I am done being the nice guy. That side of me is dead.
Why Roxanne? Just tell me why?