Another 4 weeks to go but I can safely say this ship has been life changing. The human heart and mind has a spectrum of emotions and I believe I’ve covered it all in these last few months here. There were times when happiness was pouring out of my heart and soul, bursting with colour and touching everyone around me. On the other side there were also times where I sat clutching a burnt hand yelling curses at Elizabeth the generator. Some days I wept behind closed doors over my broken heart, surrounding myself in a cloud of cigarette smoke, despair and regret. Other days I stayed up nights laughing with friends onboard playing FIFA till ungodly hours. This ship has made me experience it all. In many ways that is the point of human existence. We come with nothing and we leave with nothing. We live with memories and even those gradually fade away. It’s only when you’ve experienced the full range of human emotions can you say that you have lived. You have experienced life. You have tasted the nectar of existence. Most people do that over the course of a lifetime. For me it has happened in 4 months. I lost the love of my life to unforeseen circumstances and I wake up each day with an aching heart. I alienated myself from the world in anger but my friends rescued me from the darkness, some new and some old ones. I took up smoking to curb the restlessness that crept into my life. The side of me that always wants to fix things. I gave him a worthy shot too but it didn’t work.
I don’t know what the point of all this was. If I’m being taught something or is this a part of a long and elaborate plan. I guess I’ll never know. I guess no one really understands the point of a needless heartache. No one should suffer and most definitely not the way it happened to me.
But I carried on living one day at a time and made it this far. I do have people to thank for no doubt. I just wish it hadn’t come to this. It was needless and avoidable. In the process I’ve lost everything I held dear to me. I feel empty inside. Flashes of memory drown me in sorrow every now and then and I break out gasping for air each time. Wanting to move on but not ready to let go just yet.
In a few weeks I’ll be home. And that doesn’t excite me. Not even a little.