Last few weeks. 

Another 4 weeks to go but I can safely say this ship has been life changing. The human heart and mind has a spectrum of emotions and I believe I’ve covered it all in these last few months here. There were times when happiness was pouring out of my heart and soul, bursting with colour and touching everyone around me. On the other side there were also times where I sat clutching a burnt hand yelling curses at Elizabeth the generator. Some days I wept behind closed doors over my broken heart, surrounding myself in a cloud of cigarette smoke, despair and regret. Other days I stayed up nights laughing with friends onboard playing FIFA till ungodly hours. This ship has made me experience it all. In many ways that is the point of human existence. We come with nothing and we leave with nothing. We live with memories and even those gradually fade away. It’s only when you’ve experienced the full range of human emotions can you say that you have lived. You have experienced life. You have tasted the nectar of existence. Most people do that over the course of a lifetime. For me it has happened in 4 months. I lost the love of my life to unforeseen circumstances and I wake up each day with an aching heart. I alienated myself from the world in anger but my friends rescued me from the darkness, some new and some old ones. I took up smoking to curb the restlessness that crept into my life. The side of me that always wants to fix things. I gave him a worthy shot too but it didn’t work. 

I don’t know what the point of all this was. If I’m being taught something or is this a part of a long and elaborate plan. I guess I’ll never know. I guess no one really understands the point of a needless heartache. No one should suffer and most definitely not the way it happened to me. 

But I carried on living one day at a time and made it this far. I do have people to thank for no doubt. I just wish it hadn’t come to this. It was needless and avoidable. In the process I’ve lost everything I held dear to me. I feel empty inside. Flashes of memory drown me in sorrow every now and then and I break out gasping for air each time. Wanting to move on but not ready to let go just yet. 

In a few weeks I’ll be home. And that doesn’t excite me. Not even a little. 

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7 thoughts on “Last few weeks. 

  1. There is a lesson learnt with each experience.
    Even more so when you’re at sea and away from the cushion of friends and family. In this case a heartbreak(a minor challenge for you). Be glad that this heartbreak took place before things got a lot more serious cause then not only would you be in deep s*** but getting you out of that situation would be beyond me.

  2. I agree with you. When I recently published

    “Excruciating
    It’s far too complicated
    I wish I were dead”

    several folk commented, concerned for my welfare. I was, and am, fine. As with you, all types of emotion flow through me. I don’t cling on to them but nor do I reject them. I have more than once gone through that experience of losing a greatly loved one and – as it seemed at the time – everything else too. No, I don’t know the purpose of it all (although I have several intriguing theories 🙂 ) but I DO know that without experiencing it I would not be the person I am today and that I am (almost always) quite happy with.

    1. Thanks Ben. Means a lot to hear that someone can relate to it. Only wish I had more readers. My blog barely had any traffic. Could you help with that maybe?

      1. I’ve never made any particular effort to attract readers/followers, so I don’t have any tips I’m afraid. I don’t know how or why folk come across my site. I suspect that some folk are quite active of Facebook and/or Twitter and develop a big circle of correspondents who “Like” their posts on WP and some also Comment. Bear in mind that I have been posting for four years now, often every day. Have you read this?

        https://en.blog.wordpress.com/2011/07/28/how-to-get-more-traffic/

  3. Reading again, I have missed many of your posts Arjun and apologies about that.

    There are many painful lessons we seem to go through and I can only say in hindsight looking back through my own problems, The lessons made me who I am today and stronger for it..

    I have been reading your series too, I started off on the last entry then worked my way backwards.. And enjoyable story..
    Wishing you well my friend..
    Sue

    1. Thank you Sue. I was wondering where you were. Hadn’t heard from you in a while. Thanks I guess, I’m yet to understand what lessons I’ve learnt but maybe all in due time. Thanks and keep reading. More chapters to follow.

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