Final lap.

As my time here enters its final lap, there are a lot of interesting events and people I will look back on. It was a struggle at first. Right from the get go. I remember losing my temper endless times here and I spared no one. Not the chief, or the second or anyone for that matter. At some point or the other they have faced my fury.
This ship has changed me. I had lost my self confidence a few years ago. A number of incidents. Clouds of doubt surrounding my own capabilities, trying but failing miserably at everything, heartbreaks, watching others succeed while I stood still, no support from anyone around me; not even the people at home. I doubted myself. I wondered if I was any good. I wondered if I was just mediocre. I spent my life thinking I would do extraordinary things when I got the chance but chances came and went and I kept missing them. Nothing happened according to plan and nothing I ever wanted came true. I was a ship without a rudder. I was being tossed around by life and I had no control over anything.
Then I came here. Over the last few months pretty much everything that could’ve happened has happened. Driven to a point of blind raging madness and insanity that I plunged head first into the darkness inside me. I stared every problem in the eye while others around me quivered. They all came to me for help. Every single one of them. It became a joke around here – can’t fix it? Call the third engineer. My presence cast a shadow over the incompetence of the second engineer and the spineless chief. It had to be done. Things were going from bad to worse. And as I prepare to leave I would like to think that I’m leaving the ship just a little better. I fixed her and she changed me.
The belief I had years ago in me is back. I know now that I can do anything I set my mind to and I can do it the right way. I know I don’t need the support of anyone as long as I am drawing breath. This ship has reminded me of my capabilities. It has reminded me of who I am. It has reminded me that I am better. And all the people in the world who have at some point doubted me, or belittled me or made me feel that I am not good enough shall stand and watch me have the last laugh.
I have given almost one year of my life to this ship now. In return, I accept this reward with thanks. Another 26 days to go. Almost there. Almost.

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One thought on “Final lap.

  1. Until we can love and respect ourselves we can only play at loving or respecting others. If this requires us to travel through hell and feturn healed and strengthened so be it,

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