After spending a fairly large amount of time on Indian roads, covering vast distances, I have come to the conclusion that the existing rules are just not good enough to keep driving a fun and pleasurable experience. I have therefore come up with new rules that shall apply effective immediately.
1. To the people who change lanes without using their indicators.
If you have decided to change lanes without informing the person behind you and you think it is his obligation to make way for your fat incompetent ass then he has the right to paintball your car at the next signal till the lights turn green again. Either give a timely indication of your intentions or get paint balled.
2. To the people who decide they must get off right there and then in the middle of the road.
Dear rich fat ungrateful clowns. You are the centre of the universe. And so is your car. And it’s in everyone’s way. While others may not have the time to step out of the car mid traffic and take their own sweet time with the bazillion bags you have, it’s great that you do. Good for you I say. But I say if you have the absence of common sense to block everyone else, then I say the people you’ve kept waiting should have the right to take your car and park it inside the nearest dumpster.
3. To the people who absolutely have to speak on their phones while driving.
It’s simple really. If you aren’t successful enough to get a hands free device, or an aux cable or a car that supports Bluetooth connectivity, I’m sure no one important enough is calling you. So hang up your damn phone or the people you endanger have the right to drive over your phone as many times as they want till it no longer looks like a phone.
4. Fender benders that have to be settled right there and then.
Someone bumped into you eh? Aww. I understand. I get why you have to get out of your car mid traffic and discuss the what’s, where’s, why’s and how’s of the incident and ruining everyone’s day with yours. I mean I get it. It’s important that you discuss everything from global warming to corruption right there and then till an absolute solution is found to every single problem known to mankind. Or you act like a civilised person and pull over to the side. Ask the other person for the number of his insurance company and you both drive away in silence. If however you decide civilised ways aren’t your thing and blocking everyone’s way is the right way to proceed, then everyone stopped in his tracks has the right to fill your car’s backseat with horse manure.
5. DJs on the roads.
Good day young music enthusiast. Pleasant day isn’t it to blare Honey Singh songs from your car with the windows down showcasing your illiteracy to the world? It sure is. And two thumbs up to you sir for that. However if you have the right to make me endure your insufferable music, you have to endure my drunken karaoke songs for an entire night. And I really nail the high parts when I’m drunk and singing. No I don’t.
6. Burning cigarettes.
Hello there wannabe Bollywood super idiot. A brief introduction into fire safety. Hot things on fire set other things on fire. I know it’s unfair but that’s how nature works baby. I know, I know. You no longer get to flick your cigarette butt outside the window without giving a damn anymore. I know that sucks. But I’ll tell you what. I’ll make you an offer. If you somehow manage to burn something down, we get to burn off your eyebrows. Sounds fair? I think that’s fair.
7. One man’s wrong way is another man’s highway.
It gets confusing sometimes. I mean all roads look exactly the same right? How is one supposed to know which side is right? I mean it’s not like they have road signs or pretty much all the cars and trucks heading in one direction. I mean how is one supposed to know? It’s just impossible. I’ll tell you what. If you can’t tell which way the road leads I’m sure you can’t tell your ass from your face. So how’s this. If you decide to drive in the wrong side of the road, you get to wear your trousers over your head and your shirt around your waist. That’ll give you a good lesson on what goes where.
8. Captain high beam.
Yes captain, I saw you coming from a million light years away. Your xenon headlamps are a thing of beauty and I would gladly be blinded by them every night if it weren’t for the fact that I am in fact driving a car too. If you decide to drive in high beam all the time, we get to decide when you fall asleep. People will take turns to keep throwing water in your face every time you feel sleepy. That’s pretty much what your damn high beams do. So it’s only fair.
9. Oh no! I missed the turn. I’ll just reverse and be a pain in the ass.
Yup this ones for you. Pointing in the right direction but reversing still counts as going in the wrong way. One road can only be used to proceed in one general direction and reversing doesn’t count. Missed a turn? Too bad. Unless you are literally dying, you may not reverse unto the turn and be a pain in the ass to everyone else obeying the rules. Drive away and come back after a U-turn or find a different road. It’s not rocket science. If however you decide to do that anyway, everyone else gets to mount your car seats backwards so you understand the concept of backwards and forwards.
10. I’ll just be a minute.
Can’t find parking? Only a 5 minute job? Sure. Just park on the road itself. I mean it’s just 5 minutes right? I’m sure no one will mind. I mean it’s just 5 minutes. Yeah. Your 5 minute parking job leads to a jam that takes hours to clear. So here’s the deal. Either park in a proper place or we get to pick up your car and park it for you in the Yamuna. Ample parking space there. It’s fantastic.
11. Captain death wish.
Life is hard. I understand why you would drive like a maniac. Frustrations getting to you. Love life in a fix. I understand. However if you have no obligation to your own safety, others don’t have the obligation to save your life either. However I would request you to die elsewhere. Cleaning up your blood spatter from my front bumper is such a hassle.
I mean come on people. We live in the capital of our country and the driving sense is just abysmal. Keep your wits about and look around you. Driving isn’t supposed to be this stressful really. This is killing the whole driving experience and soon enough you’ll end up killing yourself or someone else too with your ridiculous driving. Let’s make an effort and drive better. Like civilised people.