I sense that i have a trigger for my cravings to writes. It isn’t good though. Every time i am upset or sad about something it automatically triggers these thoughts and ideas that come to me and i reach out for my laptop ready to write. Even during ungodly hours, such as right now.
I’ve been home for 6 months. My extended study leave nears its completion and I can’t really understand how to feel. It is always a big change whenever i have to uproot myself from one location to the other and doing that after a period of 6 months at home seems like a daunting challenge as of now. I know all of this is built up in my head and i have done thing enough times to have confidence in myself that when the moment comes, I will deal with the situation. This transition period is the toughest. When you know it is inevitable but there is still enough time left to not worry about it.
I’ve had some of the best times of my life during this tenure. Things i will remember for my entire life and secrets i will take with me to my grave. It hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies however. While at sea i am completely distant and cut off from the realities of life here on land. Yeah, one gets to hear the news and the important stuff usually finds its way to social media somehow. But these intricate details about personal daily lives never leave the shores. The fact that everyone wants to kill each other and torture each other mentally does not reach you. People’s opinions and the things they say about each other dont make it all the way to me. Six months is a long time to get into the root of the matter and see the ugliness inside each and everyone first hand. It is a rude awakening.
I had thought that i would dread the day i leave but that isnt the case. I want nothing to do with this path of self destruction everyone seems to be on. I am fine living far away living in oblivion and ignorance. I usually get anxious as the day draws closer but this time i feel nothing. And for once, i welcome the nothingness back into my life. I want to feel nothing, i want to worry about nothing and i want to be around nothing. This might just be the first time i welcome a departure. Because the past 6 months have been good and bad and great and a disaster; all at the same time. And i have had the chance to witness and examine the living fibre among the people around me and it is devoid of any logic or reasoning. I find it to be blind and self-centred. I find it to be weak and unforgiving. I find it to be lost and uncertain. But most of all i find it to be confused and afraid.
And it is this staunch inertia that makes all of this a lost cause. It ruins everything. And i for one am exhausted being the voice of reason around here, fighting a battle that i was never going to win in the first place.
I hear the sea calling out to me. It asks me to return. And i return to seek comfort in the warm of her company and tell her all about my travels. My time has come. Soon, we shall reunite.