My heart is pounding in my chest so hard that it physically moves me. It makes me oscillate with every beat. I feel it banging. It doesn’t want to be here. I’m far away from home, questioning my life choices and wondering how I got here. There are no answers. It’s a mix between something I have to do and something I decided to do long ago and I continue to do so. Logic and reasoning don’t work here. They don’t apply right now when I’m in a state of pumped up emotions. I can’t control them and try as I may, I cannot commandeer them. I sit on this hotel bed looking out the window knowing that any second the phone will ring and I’ll be put in a cab and driven to the ship. I don’t know how I got here. I’ve been numb since I left home. Reluctant feet have walked and walked and have taken me further and further away from my own little world.Nothing appeals right now, nothing can change how I feel but my own reluctant acceptance of my new surroundings. For the first time in months I find myself alone and the silence that I craved back home now haunts me. It’s all I can hear and i cannot unhear now. It acts like a constant reminder of where I am and what I’ve done.
It is a long road ahead before I can even think about returning back to my old life. Yes, the heavens and all the signs from the universe have been helping me so far. I feel there is something or someone out there who is watching my back while I deal with what’s ahead of me. The same driving force that stood with me while I ran my first 5k, the very same that made me win the football tournament. I feel it around me. I’ve been feeling it for a while now. Like I’m being pushed in a direction and something out there wants good things for me. Trusting that same force, I have brought myself to the other end of the world. While my emotions destroy every dam I build, the force behind me continues to make its presence felt. I feel it.
I feel a change coming. Of course in obvious terms there is a change coming but I am talking about a change in me. A different way of looking at things. For now all I can do is trust the process and put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. Trust is all I have right now and that’s what is keeping me going. My heart still beats loudly, yearning for that friendly face.